Why? Why? Why?
What the hell happened?
It was only one time.
I can start over.
Everyone makes mistakes.
You just gotta figure out what the hell happened and prepare for it in the future.
I woke. What was I thinking? I don’t remember.
What was I feeling? Something was missing. Something needed to be found.
I got dressed. It was nearby. I could feel it. What was it?
A message. I looked at my phone, but it wasn’t me looking. I was watching me look at my phone.
I read messages and sent some. I went to the convenience store. I bought smokes. On my way home, I found a twenty.
I put it in my pocket and sent more messages. This time I could see them. I was messaging some people to find dope.
I screamed and railed against the invisible barrier.
“No! Anything but that! Call someone! Message someone! Anything but that!”
Unable to stop myself.
Unable to control my body.
I watched the deal go down. I watched me lock the door behind them. I cried while I watched myself get high. Yet, no tears slid down my face. I felt the rush and the disconnect of being high.
Then, I looked at the items in my hands and fell over on my bed, sobbing.
How could I do this to myself?