Well… I Still Have Problems

Why am I crying myself to sleep? That is a complicatedly simple answer.

I’m crazy.

Now that we have that out of the way, lets get into details.

Yes. I’m a woman and that makes me crazy, after all, hormones are not easy to deal with.

But that’s not why I cry myself to sleep.

I’m an addict trying to get clean. By the time this is posted I will have over 96 hours clean, if all goes according to plan.

What this means is my emotions are out of control. Every little thing becomes so much more than it would (or should) be otherwise.

Every thought, emotion, and feeling passes through magnifiers.

Making the tiniest annoyance an unsurmountable problem of epic proportions breaking me down into a puddle of tears.

On the other side of that, if something slightly good happens, I turn into Miss bubbly cheerleading percolating positivity guru who just knows everything thing is perfect.

And the maniacal pendulum swings as if possessed by some demon on speed with a team of devils trying to hold it on the negative side for all eternity.

Add to this the knowledge that I’m no angel on my best day. The crushing weight of pain and worry I’ve caused those I love.

Like a broken record replaying the same part of a song, memories of my real and imagined wrongdoings constantly play through my mind.

This is the”normal” part of withdrawals and recovery. This is the part that drives addicts back into the arms of the demon they so desperately want to escape.

Now, I have other issues that take this opportunity to rear their ugly heads.

Severe depression. This one tells me what a loser I am and how worthless I am.

Bipolar depression. This one cycles me through beating myself up because I’m proving my depression right with my inability to focus, stay in one spot, not try hard enough, and being lazy.

Psychotic episodes. This is a real fun one. It’s the one that gets me the most. You see, this one is sneaky. This one shows me things that aren’t real. Lets me hear things that can’t make noise because they’re not real. I get the full on movie with stereo surround sound. This one is so good at what it does, I lose the ability to experience the real world. I don’t see, hear, feel, taste, or smell anything from the real world.

Paranoia. This one convinces me that the other people are trying to hurt me and I have to run away or get them first. When mixed with psychotic episodes, I see them either with weapons or reaching for weapons.

At least, this has been my experience with trying to quit in the past.

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