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I know you are probably tired of reading about my mess ups.

I know I’m tired of writing about them.

I told Lover boy to pack his things and get out.

At the end of the drama, I find myself without any landmark to navigate by.

I don’t know if he’s being real, if I’m reading something that isn’t there, or what.

Here’s what I know:
*When we talked, yesterday, he looked at me. You know, like into my eyes, and continued to do so for the entire conversation.

That’s a first.

*He told me he was dealing with jealousy. That he is afraid of losing me.

This, to me, is suspect.

*He doesn’t like other men to be in my apartment when he’s not here.

Understandable, but suspect.

*He doesn’t seem to get angry if a man is here when he’s not.

Totally foreign. I have no idea what to think about this.

*I have never felt the need to defend myself against his jealousy. As a matter of fact, I thought he was joking when he told me a while back that he was feeling jealous. He’s never acted jealous.

I’m extremely grateful to him for this. It makes me feel closer to him. I feel a greater desire to please him because I’ve never had to deal with unwarranted accusations from him.

I must admit that I feel guilty having other men here when he’s not here, but I think it’s a combination of previous experiences and my desire to please him that’s causing it.

I don’t cheat. I feel that when you cheat ON someone, you are cheating yourself OUT of something precious. Selfish, I know, but that’s me.

So, my question is this:
What do I do now? Can I trust my instincts? Is this part of some kind of game I don’t know about?

Until next time…

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