I know you are probably tired of reading about my mess ups.
I know I’m tired of writing about them.
I told Lover boy to pack his things and get out.
At the end of the drama, I find myself without any landmark to navigate by.
I don’t know if he’s being real, if I’m reading something that isn’t there, or what.
Here’s what I know:
*When we talked, yesterday, he looked at me. You know, like into my eyes, and continued to do so for the entire conversation.
That’s a first.
*He told me he was dealing with jealousy. That he is afraid of losing me.
This, to me, is suspect.
*He doesn’t like other men to be in my apartment when he’s not here.
Understandable, but suspect.
*He doesn’t seem to get angry if a man is here when he’s not.
Totally foreign. I have no idea what to think about this.
*I have never felt the need to defend myself against his jealousy. As a matter of fact, I thought he was joking when he told me a while back that he was feeling jealous. He’s never acted jealous.
I’m extremely grateful to him for this. It makes me feel closer to him. I feel a greater desire to please him because I’ve never had to deal with unwarranted accusations from him.
I must admit that I feel guilty having other men here when he’s not here, but I think it’s a combination of previous experiences and my desire to please him that’s causing it.
I don’t cheat. I feel that when you cheat ON someone, you are cheating yourself OUT of something precious. Selfish, I know, but that’s me.
So, my question is this:
What do I do now? Can I trust my instincts? Is this part of some kind of game I don’t know about?
Until next time…