Is crazy the right word?

Once Again

I’m going to try, once again. I’m going to try writing my blog on a regular basis once again. I hope this time, it will be regular.

Handyman, my last boyfriend, is nothing more then a visitor knocking on the door.

He does not appreciate that designation. Oh, no. Not at all. He makes comments about how much he cares and all he’s done for Loverboy and I, and that he knows I still love him. He comes over and makes comments about how he was a better boyfriend than Loverboy.

I correct that instantly.

I tell him that he was great until he got it in his head that he might lose me. Then, he would assume I was sneaking around trying to get with someone else. Next, came the accusations and, finally, the fight which would cause me to run for my life at 2am.

That happened every three to four days for about nine months.

I guess, he should have listened to me when I told him to stop being mean to me. And when I told him that I’m not lying to him. Maybe, he should have listened, when I told him that I’m not talking to other men. Perhaps, when I told him that I’m not cheating on him, he should have listened.

It’s too late now, though, it’s simply too late. I feel nothing for him. I mean, nothing.

Well, nothing more than I would feel for a stranger on the street. It just feels..
Weird to feel nothing for someone I fought hard to love. Someone I thought loved me.

I escaped his house of horror a year ago and since then I’ve been through a great deal.

I can honestly say, I’ve been used and abused in ways I would have never thought of.

Yet, here I am experiencing something I’ve never experienced before. How is this possible? I thought I’d been through it all! I’ll start by catching you up on where I am right now. Then, we’ll go back to where the majority of the most recent problems stem from.

Today’s Situation

Loverboy, breaks my heart on an hourly basis. I don’t know if he’s pretending or if it’s real but he seems not to realize it, notice it, and, when I tell him, he doesn’t know what he did to do it.

I swear on my grandmother’s grave that if he really is as forgetful and unknowledgeable as he is leading me to believe, he needs to be institutionalized. No joke.

He’s leading me to believe that he can’t remember things that he did and said the day before. He’s leading me to believe that he can’t find things like sheets when they’re next to the towels in the bathroom. He takes a shower everyday grabs a towel uses it, but he can’t find the sheets that are sitting next to them?
My Shattered Illusion

I saw on his phone (we’re not going into how I saw it) where he had messaged a woman.

“Hey beautiful. How are you doing?”

The world stopped spinning. A sharp arching pain pierced my heart. My breath froze in my throat. Tears spilled from my eyes.

I stared at that word. Only my Dad had ever told me I was beautiful without making a joke out of it.

I didn’t know who this woman was or what she looked like, but I was acutely jealous. Unlike me, someone thought she was beautiful.

They weren’t saying it because they were supposed to. They weren’t saying it in a joking manner followed by some quip about her head swelling. They didn’t hide it behind some kind of riddle.

This man, who said he loved me when he said goodbye this morning, just straight up called her beautiful.

This message was sent three and a half hours after he got home from work. He was sitting less than a foot and a half away from me with his phone in his hand when he sent this message.

I asked him about it and he said, “I don’t know her.” And “I didn’t send that.” And “Someone used my phone to send that.” And “Someone used my messenger account to send that.” And “I don’t know who that is.”


The next day, when other people are around, he informs me the woman is his last girlfriend that he lived with for 6 or 9 or 12 years. I don’t know how long. He informs me he never said he didn’t know her.”
Apparently, I made that up.

He still insists that he never sent the message. That was somebody else. Someone at work used his phone. One of his co-workers, at work, used his phone and sent that message.


Three and a half hours after work was over, a co-worker of his borrowed his phone and used his messenger account to message his ex-girlfriend. This is what he wants me to believe.


The messed up thing is, in spite of knowing this is an outright lie, I want to believe him. I want to believe that he loves me. I want to believe I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

But I can’t.

I have caught him decieving me before and after this incident.

I have caught him “bullshitting” and outright lies. I have caught him in questionable wording.

He wants me to believe he is just not good at saying things.

I want to but he has said one thing at the beginning of a conversation and a whole different thing at the end of the conversation. That’s not just lying, that’s insulting my intelligence, too.

This has been quite long. I will stop here and continue next time.

Until next time…

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