Okay, so, here’s a recap of part one,Confession Time.
I have figured out that every one I socialize with in person is using me and abusive.
I have kicked most of them out of my life.
I have been preparing to get clean for years, but in the last few months have made changes in preparation for it.
I have become closer to my higher power.
I have begun writing again.
I have to weed out the things and people causing me more anguish than support.
Even Loverboy has taken notice and started treating me better. I don’t expect it to last because we still don’t communicate and he still hasn’t done anything he told me he would do. Not to mention admitting what he’s done wrong, apologizing for it, and changing his behaviors.
I’m preparing to be alone for a while. This is something I look forward to because I’ve been surrounded by people for six years and, as an introvert who wants to write, I’m truly sick of people.
Why Keep Loverboy?
I have always loved having arms around me while I fall asleep. That’s one reason.
Another reason is that he makes sure I have cigarettes.
A big reason is he’s good in bed. Recently, he’s really slacked off but a couple of weeks ago he seemed to be trying to get it back together. I dunno. We’ll see what happens.
The main reason is the thought of being without him causes my chest to hurt in addition to the broken heart I expect.
I figure Loverboy is another addiction. I have to figure out a way to get through withdrawals, then I will find a way to move on.
I have been facing this in the last couple of months by getting truly sick of being mistreated and kicking him out. The heartbreak and the chest pain and the sense of emptiness cause me to take him back.
Each time I can take it longer than the time before.
I know very few people go through all this to get clean, but, a few months ago, I didn’t plan ahead. I had forty-eight hours clean and in walked Loverboy.
That was the last time I had clean time.
Even worse than other people treating you badly is knowing your allowing others to treat you badly.
In the next post, we’ll chat about what I plan for the future.
Until next time…